Many times in my life I thought I had a broken heart, I was wrong. I had teenage romances that I believed marked the end of my world. They didn’t. I divorced at thirty, with two children, but I was young and my parents were alive and I went on. I had a few serious relationships before I remarried, again I thought my heart-broken, but I was wrong. I remarried, had another healthy child, life went on.
My parents passed away and I felt sadness, but they both lived to be eighty-nine years old and I thought I was very realistic, believing it was their time. I assumed somehow I was going to get to the end with minimum pain, but you know what they say, “nobody gets out of here alive”. And so at last someone has broken my heart.
Tonight I am alone in my condo, bewildered by my conflicted feelings. My husband of almost thirty-eight years is gone. No, he hasn’t died, although that is how I feel, he is gone. Somehow, at age seventy-seven, he has gotten into his head to move to South America, his brother is living in Colombia. He visited, returned and spent three months trying to convince me to go with him. At first I thought it was a phase, but after all of my efforts to change his mind, he left. He wanted me to go with him, but I could not face being that far from my family and friends.
I really just want to share my feelings. I am sad, I am angry, I am worried about him. I am trying to focus on all the reasons I am glad he is gone, but then I think of how empty the house is without him. I know that for the first few weeks everyone will call to make sure I am okay but I know from experience that will end and I will have to plan a life with out him.
For better or worse he was my anchor, now I feel as if I am floating away. No one to come home to, no one to shop for, no one to plan dinner for. No one to look at me or perhaps I mean no one who really sees me. Even when we were fighting, it was a form of containment, maybe I am afraid of too much freedom, will I handle it well or make poor decisions. These are feelings I have never experienced, there was always someone to reign me in, I am frightened, really frightened for the first time I can remember.
I usually guard my feelings but now I feel the need to share my pain, and that impulse alone is scaring me. For any of you reading this, carefully watch your aging mate. My husband was getting a little forgetful, I spoke to his doctors, they talked to him, did nothing. I began to think I was crazy, but he was falling and blaming it on medication. He was losing things and blaming it on the housekeeper. We had really good doctors and still not one of them would look into my concerns. One of our young friends came to say goodbye to him and today she called to see if he had reached Colombia okay, because she said he looked unsteady, her actual words were he seemed to be losing his footing.
Now I am sitting here, still in disbelief, the thought that I may never see him again is unacceptable but a good possibility. I am guessing this will make good fodder for a blog, but not for life. I guess the only positive will be more interesting topics to bring us all together.